New Stock Market Terms

 CEO– Chief Embezzlement Officer
     

 CFO -  Corporate Fraud Officer
     

 BULL MARKET– A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

 

 BEAR MARKET– a 6 to 18 month period when the kids gets no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
     

 VALUE INVESTING– The art of buying low and selling lower.
     

P/E RATIO– The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
     

 BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.
     

STANDARD & POOR– Your life in a nutshell.
     

STOCK ANALYST– Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
     

STOCK SPLIT– When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
     

 MARKET CORRECTION– The day after you buy stocks.
     

 CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
     

YAHOO! – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
     

 WINDOWS– What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
     

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR– Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

   

 PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.

 

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 If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines

one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. 

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG

one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. 

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers

 one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. 

But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer

one year ago, drank all the beer,

then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,

you will have received $214.00.
     

 Based on the above, the best current investment plan

is to drink heavily & recycle.   

 It's called the   401-Keg.