There is a fight almost every fucking day with her. What's it over?!?! I have no clue. The outbursts just erupt and escalate. It's like someone injects us with supercharged rocket fuel and lights a match. There's always a leaking gas tank and I'm smoking a cigarette completely unaware of the dangers. The spark can come from a wrong turn to dinner or taking too long to get ready. It can come from parking in the driveway which seems pretty harmless to me but it's not. Who is this person? None other than my loving and caring mom.
I wouldn't consider our relationship terrible; that is when I'm living over a thousand miles away in Colorado. The phone calls are almost always civil. She cares what's going on in my life and I'm interested in hers. But there is something that happens when i step off the plane at LAX. It's like there's something in the air (or maybe that's just the smog).
I knew this trip would be bad. She retired a week ago which meant lots of free time. Most would be excited for the chance to spend countless hours with their mom. Shopping, eating out at restaurants or taking a walks would be enjoyed by most but not me. It's like walking on egg shells over here. Agreeing to do any activity with this woman is like walking into a mine field. It's not like there's a 99 percent chance of survival it's the exact opposite. There's only a 1 freaking percent chance that your going to walk away from it. There's no chance of survival. You need to learn how to maneuver yourself. The only problem is that I'm 25 years old and still haven't figured this game out.
So, here I am. It's 11:00 AM on a Wednesday. It's minutes after a blowup. We were supposed to eat breakfast together but we are both being stubborn. She's upstairs and I'm downstairs. Neither of us are eating. I'm hungry but would never admit it and I'm sure she's thinking the same thing. Should I go upstairs and apologize? It would probably be the right thing to do but I'm not.
She tells me that I should be a nicer person. It's a pretty blanket statement that needs more explaining but I get none. What does it really mean to be "nicer?" What a vague word to use to describe someone. Disingenuous, dishonest, immoral, lacking drive or ambition, heartless, thankless, greedy...the list could go on and on. These are all words that mean something. But "nicer"? Really? That's the word you would use to describe me? And the crazy part is that I do try to be nice to people. I try to be nice to both friends and strangers. (maybe I'm wrong and someone should tell me! In fact, if you read this and think I should be nicer please tell me and i will apologize to both you and my mom). I'm not so naive to think that I haven't ever been mean or done wrong. That would be a blatant lie. But I always try to learn from my mistakes and grow. I guess that's the goal in life. It's impossible to do no wrong but it's foolish to not learn from it.
So, back to the point. I'm in LA and I would like to consider this a vacation but it's far from it. I'm stuck in limbo trying to balance seeing my friends, relaxing and spending time with the parents. I'm on day 5 of this "really fun" trip and can't wait to get back to the relative calm of Colorado. I appreciate Denver more and more every time I leave. It makes me second guess leaving for graduate school. But do i really love the city for what it has to offer or do i love it for what it doesn't have?
I wonder if she's going to read this...
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